


black and white

by eggplantemily



Series: all the ways emmett says i love you for the first time [3]
Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Canon Rewrite, Character Study, Fix-It, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:42:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24222253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eggplantemily/pseuds/eggplantemily
Summary: So, love is complicated. When you go through what Travis has, love is complicated. So when he realises Emmett is falling in love with him, he knows he should stop. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t love Emmett, but he continues sleeping with him anyway.(Or, the one where I fix the end of 3x16.)
Relationships: Emmett Dixon/Travis Montgomery
Series: all the ways emmett says i love you for the first time [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1740673
Comments: 7
Kudos: 65





	black and white

**Author's Note:**

> this is me fixing the finale cause im pissed
> 
> yes every one of my tremmett fics has been titled from a niall horan song 
> 
> this technically counts as part of my series so im adding it
> 
> also i realised we never knew if emmett knows about michael so for this, he doesnt

Love is complicated. Everyone knew that. Travis knew that. He'd been in love more than a few times, and he knew what being in love felt like. It was the calm in the middle of a storm, it was warm blankets while snow (or rain, in Seattle's case) fell outside, it was the late morning sun falling over tan skin in bed, it was sacrifice. Every love is different, Travis learned throughout his life, with every passing partner.

The first time Travis fell in love, he was 19, in his freshman year of college, the first time he felt safe enough to truly be himself. He met a guy in his Intro to Psychology class, second semester. They sat next to each other on the first day, the entire lecture hall packed, every chair full. Throughout the semester the class got emptier, and more seats cleared out, but Travis still sat next to Matt, every Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Matt was cute, a senior in an entry level Psych class, getting his final Arts & Humanities credit out of the way. And he was terrible. He always told Travis how bad his exam scores were, how he never understood the things the professor was saying, or his own notes.

In mid February, a few weeks before midterms, Travis offered to help him study. Travis was surprisingly good at Psych, despite not really caring about the class itself. It was a Saturday night when Travis showed up outside Matt's apartment with his Psych book and notes in his backpack. They studied for a little while, Matt finding ways to scoot closer to Travis every few minutes. Eventually, they both ended up naked in Matt's bed. Travis thought he might've fallen in love when he woke up the next morning to muscular arms wrapped around him. They continued the same routine every few days, and surprisingly, somehow, Matt got a bit better at Psychology. Travis only told Matt his feelings when Matt was fast asleep, snoring and drooling into his pillow. They ended things when Matt graduated, and moved to Portland. Travis knew it was coming, and he moved on fairly easily, but it hurt.

Travis fell in love again the summer before his senior year of college, he studied all summer in Barcelona. He tried to perfect his Spanish, knowing it would help him when he became a firefighter. He met Alex at a gay bar in early June, not long after he arrived. They went home together that night, and almost every night after that. They both knew it would end when summer did, but Travis fell in love anyway. And he fell fast. By August, he was in love. He told Alex he loved him the last time they saw each other before Travis returned to the States. Alex said the same. They remained friends for a while, before losing touch. It was for the best, Travis isn’t good at remaining friends with people he’s loved. 

Travis met the love of his life at 23, fresh out of college, in the Fire Academy. Michael was, is, the best thing that ever happened to him. Travis doesn’t believe in love at first sight, but with Michael, he thinks that was the best way to describe it. He swore he was going to marry him, from the minute they met. Two years later, he was proved right. He and Michael were soulmates, he loved the men before, but his love with Michael was different. Gentle, soft, grounding. 

He and Michael weren’t perfect, technically. They fought, usually over stupid stuff. They weren’t perfect, but it was perfect. Travis was ready to spend the rest of his life cooking for his husband, because Michael was terrible, and couldn’t make anything other than Kraft Mac n’ Cheese and spaghetti with Prego sauce. Working with your spouse is supposedly forbidden, if you want the marriage to last. But Travis and Michael drove to work together every shift, slept side-by-side in the awful twin bunks at the station, ate breakfast at the beanery table, just as they would at home. Travis was the happiest he’d ever been in his life.

Until he wasn’t. 

Travis remembers every movement he made that day. Michael went out on his call, a fire in an apartment building. It was supposed to be easy, in and out, a grease fire. But the fire grew, and moved to the neighboring units. The building was built terribly, and the roof collapsed with Michael inside. The Captain knew the building wasn’t structurally sound, and he should’ve pulled the team out. 

Travis remembers the rig pulling back into the barn, and Michael not in it. He remembers the feeling of his heart dropping into the pit of his stomach. He remembers the Captain's voice telling him what happened, in the detached voice they were all trained to use when delivering bad news. He remembers the soft condolences at his line of duty funeral. He remembers sleeping in a empty, cold bed for the first time in six years. He remembers everything. Even if he wanted to forget. 

So, love is complicated. When you go through what Travis has, love is complicated. So when he realises Emmett is falling in love with him, he knows he should stop. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t love Emmett, but he continues sleeping with him anyway. To be fair, Emmett’s been saying he thinks he loves him since he was still with Alicia, but Travis knows he means it now.

Emmett tells him he thinks he’s in love for real the first time in bed. They finished having sex a while ago, then laid in bed together, their breaths slowing. Emmett must have thought Travis had fallen asleep, because he softly whispers the words into the dark. Travis knew he should of ended it right there, but he does genuinely like Emmett, and he’s selfish, so he doesn’t. 

It happens a second time in the showers of the station a few weeks later, after it’s announced that Emmett’s engaged to Alicia. Travis gets angry, or angrier, because he’s already angry that Emmett’s engaged to a woman he’s cheated on multiple times, and angry that he has feelings for someone that can do that to another person. So Travis tells him, he doesn’t love him or her, because you don’t do that to someone you love.

It’s brought up again when the team is partying on Dean’s houseboat. Emmett’s drunk, so is Travis, but Travis knows how to control his mouth when he’s intoxicated. They’re all having a good time, just partying and not worrying about work. They’re dancing together, Emmett is really cute like this; Bouncy, happy, drunk. It’s nice to see him being his true self. “I think I love you!” Emmett shouts over the pounding music, his eyes drooping with intoxication.

Travis just grabs his face and kisses him to shut him up. The way Emmett looks at him when they pull away tugs at his heart. “I can’t hear you!” he lies in return. 

The team decides to hang out again after the bomb call at Pac North. Emmett pulls Travis outside, and Travis knows what’s coming. Emmett takes a deep breath before speaking. “Look, I know I have a lot to learn about... pretty much everything.” he smiles. “But you got me here. And I owe you so much. I admire you so much. And... I’m so grateful for you, Travis.”

Travis speaks up. “No, you did this, Emmett.” He did, he was brave, Travis didn’t do anything, this was all Emmett.

“No, I couldn’t have done this without you.” Emmett interjects, and places a hand on Travis’ arm. “I love you.” he tells him. His blue eyes are shining, flicking in between Travis’ own. Emmett kisses him, and Travis lets him, kisses him back even, but he has to let him know, so he pulls away.

Emmett’s eyes are still looking at him with love, and it kills Travis that he’s about to ruin it. “I am really happy for you, you know. For how far you’ve come, for all this life that you have ahead of you. And I am really sorry...” he takes a deep breath. “That I don’t love you back. He watches Emmett’s face fall, watches his eyes go from shining with love to shining with tears. 

Emmett just nods and kisses him one last time, before walking away. “Yeah, me too.” 

Travis thinks for a split second, before speaking up. “Emmett.”

Emmett stops and turns. “What, Travis?” The way he looks at him hurts. He did that.

“I was married.” he starts, preparing himself for what he’s about to retell. Emmett’s brow furrows in confusion. Travis sits down in one of the chairs outside of the window. Emmett follows. “A while ago, I had a husband. Uh, his name was Michael. He... was... uh. Well, he was a terrible cook, a giant Seahawks fan... and he was a firefighter.” Emmett’s head snaps up and meets Travis’ eyes. “He was, is, the love of my life. And he... died, in the line of duty. About four years ago.”

“Travis, I- I didn’t know.”

“Saying ‘I love you’ isn’t that easy for me... because the last person I said it to, was... him. It’s been four years, and I’ve gotten used to the empty place in my bed where he used to be, and I took my ring off, but I don’t know if another person will ever compare to him. And... it takes time to recover from losing someone you love. A long time. And I’m not there yet. So, no, I don’t love you back.” Emmett drops his head. “But that doesn’t mean I never will. And it doesn’t mean I don’t still want to be with you.” He reaches over and grabs Emmett’s hands. “I like you, Emmett, a lot, actually. A lot more than I thought I would.” Emmett smiles a bit at that. “And just because I don’t love you now, doesn’t mean I want to end this. Okay?” Emmett nods. “So now it’s up to you, probie. Where do you want to go from here?” 

Emmett doesn’t say anything, just leans across the table in between their chairs and kisses him. Travis kisses him back, relieved. When they break apart, Emmett pulls Travis into a hug. Travis buries his face in Emmett’s neck, and they sit like that for awhile, Emmett running his fingers up and down Travis’ back, comforting him. Travis welcomes the serenity: Emmett’s cologne, or pheromones, or both, the sound of the waves crashing against the boat, the soft scratch of Emmett’s fingers tracing circles and shapes on his back.

And, yeah, he can fall in love with this.

**Author's Note:**

> i also just wanted to share my thought a bit on the episode, and where i think it leaves travis and emmett. i think the fic kind of speaks for itself but i'm gonna share anyway. 
> 
> SO emmett said i love you, as i thought he would (although i did not think it would be this soon...) and travis said he doesn't love him back, as i thought he would. to me, it's not that big of a deal? because obviously travis isn't ready for that yet? he lost someone he loved not that long ago, and just because he's ready to date doesn't mean he's ready to say i love you to anyone. we saw how much of a struggle it was for meredith to say i love you to deluca after derek died, it took her years, and knowing shonda, it will be the same for travis. 
> 
> i expected travis to say he doesn't love him back, and i don't think they have to break up because of it? at this point, i think it could go either way for if they're broken up or not, but once again, knowing shonda, it's probably the end of them. and i am Sad
> 
> anyway if you wanna chat about these boys my tumblr is mickeyisak.tumblr.com


End file.
